AGE 6 - 14: Why are all these men carrying around flowers? Why is Mum angry with Dad? Don't all her friends exchange Valentines today, like we did in school? I have 26 Valentines! And a sweetie!! And some DISNEY shiz!!!
AGE 14 - 15: Oh, is it Valentine's Day? I hadn't noticed. I'm sick of seeing my classmates make out. His tongue must taste like dirty underpants and video game distractions.
AGE 16: Aw, my friend's boyfriend gave her flowers and chocolate? That's nice, I suppose. I mean, now she's gonna put them on top of the lunch room table just so everyone sees, which is kind of obnoxious, but whateverl! Hey, Shauna, can I have a chocolate? No? Okay.
AGE 17: S-c-rew Valentine's Day! It's literally just a thing so that Hallmark can make money, and stuff. I know that because my slightly older boyfriend from a different school told me while we were hanging out in the parking lot outside the shopping centre. We don't do Valentine's Day.
AGE 18: Having this V-Day girls night was such a good idea! Who cares about Valentine's Day when we have Oreos, and Love Actually, and Bridget Jones' Diary, and Little Women, and — HEY!! Why is YOUR boyfriend here?
AGE 19 - 21: OMGOMGOMG, he took me to an affordably-priced Italian restaurant with napkins and it even had a candle on the table!!! This must be how Kate Middleton feels, like, all the time. He is the guy I am going to spend the rest of my life with, I don't care what my best friend or my mum or any BASIC LOGIC says.
AGE 22: Is he serious? We're going to that affordably-priced Italian restaurant again? He totally needs to step it up. I'm gonna tell him it's fine but he should be able to tell by my mannerisms and facial expression that it is so not fine. That's his job. Besides, the napkins are so gaudy and the candles smell like mulch.
AGE 23: Valentine's Day was just invented so you'd buy stuff. It's totally irrelevant. I shouldn't take it so seriously. I'm sooo above all that. So, I happen to be single on Valentine's Day! So what? I'm a grown woman and I'm focusing on my career. Also, I'm hot and can have any man I want so don't need a man to validate me. I have, like, zero time for a man right now. I bet if I go straight home from work, I won't even see any happy couples or fellas carrying flowers. THIS BODY SCRUB WILL MAKE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT EVERYTHING BECAUSE THE WOMAN AT SEPHORA SAID IT WOULD.
AGE 24: I've only been dating this fella for a month. What am I supposed to expect? Flowers? A text? Should we not even hang out tonight because it's too much pressure? I'm gonna text him to show him how totally chilled out I am, and how he's lucky to have such a cool girlfriend.
AGE 25 - 27: Oh, thank God, he wants to stay in too.
AGE 28 - 30: Oh, is it Valentine's Day? Cool! We'll go to our favorite restaurant that we go to every Tuesday, and then hopefully he'll maybe try not to fart on me later.