Reasons You Won't Be Celebrating St Patrick's Day


    You get too excited from mistakenly spotting Ed Sheeran everywhere.


    You've avoided tiny guys in garish clothes since you were inappropriately touched by your PE teacher.


    Leprechauns remind you of Michael Gove.


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    You've never had a woman take you up on your "Fellate Me I'm Irish" T-shirt.


    You would feel out of place because your skin actually has pigment.


    The only Saint you care about is Kanye and Kim's son.


    You're waiting for an actual good reason to get drunk, like Brexit.


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