Neal's Top Car Buying Tips

    Have you recently bought a new car? I did, at the weekend. I got an absolute bargain. They gave me a 35% discount if I agreed to take it with only one hubcap, and a rear window made from cellophane. What could possibly go wrong? Anyway, I gained a lot of knowledge during my experience, which I want to share with you, now.

     

    Avoid being harassed by salesmen by going to the dealership when it’s snowing.

     

    When the salesman goes to talk to his manager, steal all the sweets out of the dish on his desk, so you at least walk away with SOMETHING.

     

    Factor in the size of your genitalia. IE - if you can't find it, head straight to a Porsche dealer.

     

    When you finish your test drive, lick the steering wheel so they can't sell it to anyone else.

     

    When you do take it for a test drive, make sure it’s during rush hour so you can see how it feels sticking your middle finger out the window.

     

    If the salesman isn't giving you the price you want, don't be afraid to walk out, burst into tears, and set the entire dealership on fire.

     

    Tell them you deserve a discount because you were born after 1990 and that’s just how it works.

     

    Make sure the windows are soundproof enough so no one will be able to hear you singing along to Katy Perry in the mornings.

     

    If you're buying a luxury car, make sure it has a lane change warning system… as well as a poor people repellent battering ram.

     

    Make sure it doesn't transform into a robot and force you to be yelled at by Michael Bay.

     

     

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